Losing a pet is many children’s first encounter with death. Psychologists and pet bereavement experts say the experience can provide deep emotional lessons that can influence how young people understand and process grief as adults.
Therefore, parents and guardians have an important role to play when families: pet dies. Caregivers can help children come to terms with the lasting pain of death and guide them toward health and healing. mourning process It provides a foundation for dealing with the inevitable parts of life.
“People are so negative about talking about death and grief, but one thing is guaranteed: we’re all going to die. We need to talk about it openly,” said Deirdre Flavin, CEO of the National Children’s Grief Alliance.
Here are some things to consider when talking about death with children and supporting them through pet loss.
Children react differently to death
Depending on their age and their age, individual circumstancesChildren differ in their ability to understand the concept of death. The way each child deals with grief, how long they grieve, and the impact of the loss is also different for each child. For adults. Experts say support is important because sadness, anger and other overwhelming emotions associated with grief can be difficult for younger children to cope with.
Psychologists and bereavement counselors say that some people feel the heartbreak of a pet’s death as intensely as the loss of another loved one, reflecting their underlying emotional depth. bond between humans and animals. In the case of children, their Relationship with petsand whether the death was sudden are other factors that can shape an individual’s response.
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Colleen Rolland, president of the Pet Loss and Bereavement Association, said parents usually know how capable their child is of processing death intellectually and emotionally.
Children as young as 4 may have been exposed to death through fairy tales and other stories, but may have a hard time understanding the ending, Roland said. older childrenThose who know their loss is permanent may need additional emotional support from friends and family, she said.
Elizabeth Perez said she immediately understood how her three children were dealing with the death of her dog, Zoe, who was hit by a car in front of her younger daughter nearly a year and a half ago. The other two children were inside the family’s home in Pullman, Washington.
“Carmen would often say that she had nightmares and couldn’t sleep because the images were playing over and over in her head,” Perez said, adding that her daughter has not worn the dress she wore that day since then.
Perez recalls that she and her husband spent a lot of time with Carmen, now 11, and asked her questions about how she was feeling. Even the youngest child, who didn’t see the car hit Zoe and didn’t spend much time with the dog, still cries as she remembers the April 2024 accident.
“It’s been really difficult for the whole family. Everyone felt it differently and at different times,” Perez said. “As parents, we felt unprepared.”
Use clear language and avoid euphemisms
Experts say it’s important to be honest and use clear language when discussing death with children. Adults tend to try to protect children with euphemisms like the pet fell asleep, got lost, or was killed.
“That can be anxiety-provoking for children and cause a lot of confusion and fear. So saying ‘the fish went to sleep’ can cause anxiety when the child is about to go to bed,” says Flavin. “Especially with younger children, because they express things literally.”
When Leah Motts’ daughter was 2 years old, she said of her 15-year-old dog, Izzy, “He had a good life, but his body is broken and cannot repair itself.” Motz recalled further explaining that she was going to “help Izzy die” before euthanizing her near her home in Renton, Washington.
Supporting children with deep emotions
It can be difficult for adults to recognize the impact that losing a pet, rather than a person, has on children. Rowland said that children’s grief generally tends to be trivialized, and that people with very deep grief dedicated to pets It can generate as much prejudice as sympathy.
“But pet loss is a very real form of grief,” she said.
Raquel Halfondo, a certified clinical psychologist with the American Psychological Association, says children’s behavior often shows how they’re feeling, even if they don’t express it verbally.
“Maybe you’ve noticed that your child has more tantrums. They suddenly don’t want to do things they used to enjoy doing. They might even start refusing to go to school. It’s normal for this to continue for a while,” Halfond says.
Other signs to look for include uncharacteristic sadness, tears, anger, and even silence, she said. She said a child’s emotional response is often unrelated to their willingness to talk about death, but if a child’s emotions and behavior are affecting their ability to live, it may be time to seek professional help.
It’s OK for adults to grieve with children.
Just as they do in other situations and developmental stages, children often learn: deal with sadness By observing caregivers. adult way coping with loss They are more likely to set an example for their children.
“Parents and caregivers must feel confident in how to deal with pet loss,” Rolland said, adding that parents who are unaccustomed to grief or exhibit unhealthy behaviors may teach their children to behave the same way.
meghan mar two dog She died in Uharlee, Georgia, when her two children were young. Sadie, who was the first to leave, had ongoing health problems, so Ma was able to give birth safely. Ongoing conversation and preparation My son was 7 years old at the time and my daughter was 4 years old.
“My son definitely understood what was going on. My daughter was sad, but it didn’t reach her that deeply,” Marr said. She said many of the children’s emotions seemed to be in response to her own grief for her pet, which she calls her “soulmate dog.”
Halfond advises parents not to hide their feelings from their children.
“If you’re sad, it’s okay for your child to see you sad. In fact, if something sad happens and that emotion isn’t mirrored by you, your child may be confused,” she says.
Leave room for closure and lifelong memories
One way to help children come to terms with the death of a pet is to commemorate the life of a lost companion, such as through a pet death fundraiser. animal When you are in trouble, when you paint a picture, when you hold a funeral, when you do something that your pet loved.
Marr said that before her dog, Sadie, passed away, many of her conversations with her children centered around the fact that dogs don’t live forever and that they will go to heaven someday. The difficult part for her was to explain that this applies to any pet.
“We talked about whether they still wanted the animals, even if they didn’t last as long as we did,” she said. “It hurts to lose them, but they make your life so much better while they’re here.”
