That’s when many parents in the US see their children heading to college or leave home and start working. For parents and guardians, experts say separation from children can cause complex feelings of loss, sadness, loneliness, salvation and freedom, leading to unhealthy thoughts and behavior.
They are classic signs of what is known as “empty nest syndrome.”
Although not a clinical diagnosis, it can produce intense, long-term emotions that affect mental health, emotional well-being, and relationships. Experts acknowledge changing emotions, reconnect with loved ones and find new hobbies are all ways to prepare you for this transition.
This is what experts say:
How empty nests adapt more quickly
Parents and guardians can feel different emotions at different stages of their child’s life. But experts say it’s important to acknowledge that, for example, children can go outside on their own, more intense than their first preschool drop-off. The uncertainty when parents may see their children again is part of what encourages them.
Julie Gottman, clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, said it helps to develop or nurture relationships with people other than your children to fight loneliness, regardless of their relationship with children who are leaving. This is especially important for single parents and guardians, or for people whose daily life and schedule revolve around the lives and activities of their children.
“One of the most difficult things about empty nests is to understand that your child needs separation,” she said. “It’s going to be difficult, but please call your friend instead.”
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Diane Bergantinos, 45, said her friends warned her about how difficult it is to drop your child off at school, but she knows she has supportive family and friends that she can call if she needs a company. Bergantinos, a new single parent in Honolulu, Hawaii, says she will leave in the week to help her only child move to Oregon for school.
“It’s like having a sick family member. They know that their time is limited and try to prepare themselves mentally and emotionally, but they can’t fully prepare until it happens,” she said. “I’m just trying to taste every minute and cherish the moments I’ve left, not sticking to the fact that he’s gone.”
Some people experience empty nest syndrome after their child leaves the house, but their emotions can be overwhelmed before the actual movement. Gottman says that once emotions begin to reflect symptoms of depression, it may be time to meet a therapist or counselor.
Relationship experts say you and your spouse – it’s time for the next
When you become a parent, each may be experiencing some of the same emotions, but experts say those shared feelings should be addressed to each other and by the experts if necessary.
Not everything was sad for Mike Marlowe and his wife, Barbara. This is a couple in their 50s who have had three children leaving their homes in Flagstaff, Arizona for many years.
“I remember barbs. I remember looking at each other on the kitchen island. ‘Hello!” he said.
Gottman, who has been counselling couples for many years, said the big question facing the empty nest is, “Who are we?”
“There are beautiful things that can happen to couples. You can rediscover who your partner is and the love you have for them. Now, if you’ve really parented your child since giving birth together, you have a history of going through the hurdles of raising a child. You shared your worries, hopes, dreams and excitement,” he said.
Gottman said sharing in this experience could rekindle intimacy in ways adults may not have done when they had children.
Marlowe said the kids have moved in, they have time to date each other again and they are actually spending their time on themselves.
It’s not all sad. Family can experience joy in new routines and hobbies
“We are very focused on health. We have something that’s everyday. We exercise, we play pickleballs, and there are also separate things that we work on,” Marlow said.
Experts say developing new routines and learning new hobbies is a great way to combat negative emotions from becoming an empty nest. Many of these hobbies, especially travel, are income dependent, but there are creative things that parents can do with the extra time they have right now.
“Anywhere you can meet new people is useful,” Gottman said. “We’re not only losing our kids, but we’re also losing our community of parents of our kids’ friends. So, look for group activities where you can meet more people, take part in exercise classes, take part in yoga classes, take part in painting classes, join the choir and sing, and see if your partner wants to do those things together.”
For Bergantinos, working is about to keep her busy as a single mother, but she says she plans to continue the therapeutic hobby that her son started when she was in high school: making lei.
“I learned how to make ribbon rays because I knew he was coming to graduate,” she said. “In Hawaii, rays are a giveaway for any special occasion, so I decided to post them on the Facebook market and see what happens.”
Empty nestors will never stop them from being parents or guardians
Some parents and guardians become empty nests much later in their child’s life, especially in intergenerational households, when they stay through college or their first job.
As for the wetlands, it felt like the empty Nester title was turned on and off when one of the kids went home when they started working after school in the same city and another child attended a local university from home. But they said they knew they would remain part of their child’s life and take over their parents, even if they are away from home, technology will help them with that ongoing connection.
“To this day, we maintain a lot of interest in their lives. We don’t want to break in, but we want to be there to advise, encourage, praise, and offer them something like that,” Marlow said.
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Munfrey was reported by Flagstaff, Arizona.
