It’s late at night and you’re simmering all day What your partner did It will bother you. When you solve that, as everyone knows, you shouldn’t sleep angry, right?
It’s traditional wisdom, but many relationship experts say sticking to such rules is counterproductive. It may harm the relationship.
“That’s completely wrong,” said Samantha Whiten, a clinical psychologist in Maryland. “It’s all about making sure people are fighting when they’re tired.”
Instead, couples can learn the habits of helping them rest While supporting long-term relationships.
No one wants to sleep angry
It is understandable that Whiten wants to discuss the issue before letting it fester, but it is unrealistic to expect the conflict to close quickly and affectionately before he falls asleep.
“That’s good,” she said. “But it’s like a fairy tale.”
Some sources attribute the origin of the phrase to the Ephesians’ books in the New Testament. There are various translations, but these are the following versions:
The problem is that couples should not fight when they are “emotionally dysregulated.” She mentioned the acronym HALT. This is a general reminder of treatment that people should avoid serious discussions. Hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Many people drink alcohol at night, but this doesn’t help create a calm environment.
“They are likely to say things impulsively that they might regret,” she said.
What should I do instead?
Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City, may seem easiest to discuss the night’s issues.
But she said it would be better to acknowledge that there is a need to discuss something, pause and set a time to go back to it. It may mean having lunch or coffee together the next day, or Whenever you’re not in a hurry From the door.
The key is to follow.
“It speaks to the skills so that you can trust your partner will really come back to this that is really important to you,” Romanov said, adding that most couples have to practice it.
It is also about understanding your partner and empathizing with what each of you needs. If a partner needs space, it is mandatory for others not to interpret the space as a denial, Romanov said.
What is the difference between pause and avoidance?
Whiten said many couples in her practice have at least one person who feels they can’t sleep until they solve the fight. It’s often a sign anxiety The discomfort of uncertainty.
“People need to individually learn how they can adjust themselves and tell themselves it’s okay,” she said. “The idea that you can do yourself is really important.”
Reverse – Avoidance – is not good. Many people may need space to handle the discussion, but they are obliged to return to their partner later to address the topic.
The goal is for both people to feel safe enough to acknowledge their differences, remembering that their relationship is more important than one argument and agreeing to talk about it later, Whiteten said. “When people can learn to do it, it’s really transformative.”
Stop the discussion before they start
Romanov suggested that the couple establish regular check-in. They don’t need to talk about the worst issues in their lives at any given point, but they should create a habit of small gestures of communication.
Even asking regularly how your partner’s day went creates a kind of scaffolding for emotional safety, she said. Create spaces to address the issue.
If there is a problem, she said she would use the “i” statement, clarify what you need, and try to create a plan for how others can deliver. Requests filed at the right time are often received better.
“When it comes to communication, timing is everything,” she said.
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Stummm writes about health, food and travel. Find his job at https://www.alberttumm.com.
