Nura Maznavi got a kick from learning to be a Muslim mayoral candidate for New York City Zoran MamdaniI met his wife On the hinge.
“It made me feel like a loser,” Maznavi said with a laugh about meeting her husband online over 14 years ago.
“He’s very cool,” she said of Mamdani. “He and his wife are very New York chic.”
The success of mumdani in the hinge and the show “Muslim Matchmaker” on Hulu gives us a glimpse into how American Muslims meet spouses from tradition to modern times. Many navigate the quest for love and marriage, balancing beliefs, dev levels, diverse lifestyles and various cultural influences.
“We wanted a realistic assessment of what was happening in the love space for Muslim Americans and the unique challenges, but there are also very universal challenges,” said Yasmin Elhady, one of the two matchmakers in Hulu’s reality series. “We come across in a complex, fun and dynamic way.”
A self-proclaimed “romance sucker,” Maznavi co-edited two collections of love and relationships by American Muslims. She discovered that people met “through family, friends, sort of a coincidence meeting, through college, through work.”
As she watched, Maznabi, a Sri Lankan immigration lawyer, writer and daughter, met people through her parents, friends and extended family.
Later, she lived in San Francisco and discovered that the Muslim pool was small. Her mom heard the radio ads on Match.com and suggested that she try it.
“I still resisted,” Maznavi said. Eventually, she became tolerant and met her husband there.
There aren’t many fish in the sea
For Muslims who are looking for Muslims, “most of us are pretty few, and very spread, very spread,” said Hoda Abrahim, the other matchmaker on the show. “You’re not going to the gym, you’re just surrounded by people you can potentially marry.”
That might mean that long distance relationships have to be tested, she said. Many of her clients already use Muslim-specific dating apps and other dating apps, she said.
There are also several in-person events for singles Muslims who are looking for marriage.
At the show, matchmakers outline “three rules.” Pass 3 meetings and 300 compatibility questions together within three months. Their matched clients experience the anxiety of the first meeting, the warmth of connection and the pain of rejection, and the uncertainty between them.
When assessing couple compatibility, matchmakers consider what is called the “halal halam ratio,” which refers to how the level of religious observance matches the couple’s lifestyle.
One participant says she is trying to carry out the daily prayers she needs, but never “dressed in particular modest fashion.” She wants someone who is open to the possibility of her faith growing, “going out” and “enjoying herself but still following Islamic doctrine, trying to find a healthy balance of what it means.” (She is also obsessed with good jokes and concerts. A hairy man? Not so much).
Another participant says he wants a partner with “Islamic qualities” and does not strongly like whether she wears a hijab or not.
“Many Muslims will have a particular thing that is very intense, even if they are practicing and Adhia Muslims. It could be a Ramadan custom. …It could leave the pork. It could be a clothing item,” El Hadi said. “There are really serious lifestyle choices related to Islam, and I think in marriage you’re looking for someone to complement your style.”
A survey by Pew Research Center 2023-2024 found that 60% of Muslim adults in the US say religion is “very important” in life. This is close to 55% of American Christians who said the same thing in the survey.
Abrahim said some online dislike the term “halal haram ratio” and view it as normalizing “halam” behavior. She pushes back. “We’re not normalizing that. Obviously people say they’re practicing at a certain level.”
Date vs. Courtesy
Then there’s a debate about what to call to know others: is it a date? Courtship?
“This is something we discussed a lot,” Abrahim said. “If I say ‘dating’ then I mean courtship, we were actually on the show, we were intentional and we’ve given it seriously. ”
El Hadi said there was a huge number of positive reactions to the show, but pointed out that some Muslims didn’t like the word “dating.” And she says: Make your own definition or call it what you want. (Some people use the term “halal dating.”)
“In their minds, dating is a word made for non-Muslims by non-Muslims, which means there is a physical relationship before commitment,” she said. “The show doesn’t portray people who have sex before marriage. … it portrays people who are looking for love.”
Among the questions Kaiser Aslam was asked by several students working as Muslim pastors at Rutgers University’s Islamic Living Centre, how do you know if someone is compatible and how to find out them without being intimate?
“In Islamic tradition, you become intimate and become sexually intimate before marriage,” he said.
He suggests having a serious conversation with chaperones, meetings in relatively public places, and accountability measures that clearly set “you are not actually trying to start intimate or intimate contact, but you are actually trying to understand each other.” And he also said he was talking to the person’s friends and family.
Marriage, faith, culture
Muslim Americans are extremely diverse, racial and ethnic.
“Young Muslims have found people from different cultures over and over again. It’s beautiful and wonderful to see,” Aslam said.
For some, the cultural difference can be fueled by “No, we get married this way. No, in our tradition, the man’s side pays for this. The girl’s side pays for this.”
He said some parents oppose children who marry outside of their culture.
Sometimes there is a “racist foundation,” he says, “We have to call it out about what it is. It is never religious. Theologically, he said, “We are encouraged to make sure that the most diverse and good traditions have the ability to interact with each other.”
Other times, he said parents fear their children will run away from their culture and need peace of mind.
Black and Latina Tahira Neira Dean said he encountered such a barrier in her search, knowing there was a potential match in which she was about to marry within her culture and ethnicity. Some of her concerns also echoed Broader questions and discussions It goes beyond the Muslim community surrounding racial preferences and racial bias in dating.
Dean, a lawyer who also writes about Muslim love and marriage, got married at the age of 30 and later divorced.
In her 20s, she navigated the app, but she said, ” ghost ” and “love bombings” were emotionally ejected. She attempted matchmaking through the mosque and “matchmaking auntie”, and attempted to get to know people through activities such as volunteering at the mosque. She also asked her friends to set her up.
Recently she went back to search.
El Hadi of the Muslim Matchmaker show, whether Muslim or not, claimed that “people really want to fall in love, and it’s hard to do in modern times.”
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Associated Press Religious Reporting is supported through the Associated Press collaboration With funding from Lilly Endowment Inc., the AP is in a conversation by taking sole responsibility for this content.
